It hurts just to know you're alive

After some Jurassic years here I go again, writing another blog about love… It feels crappy for me that it’s obvious that I’ve become one heck of a hopeless romantic but what can I do… this is what exactly I’m most bothered with, especially with my almost insanely perfect life…

Tonight(Nov. 17, 2008... Monday) was one of those nights where something so ordinary, something that was almost a routine to me turned out to be so special… Tonight I had another night out with my “available” person (*available-meaning I am single but so not available because of him) Recent events that have happened in my life made me discover new things, certain things that made me looked at love and faith in a new perspective…

Note: Before I continue on, if you my Mr. Available, have happened to come across with my blogs (which is in one in a million odds of course) don’t be so shocked that it was you. You have been the most perfect guy in this world in my eyes and it would never ever change… As fragile as you are you are my superman, Spiderman, batman and whoever superhero that I could’ve think off… You have been such an inspiration… I Love You more than Helga loves Arnold or more than Ron loves Kim…

So let me continue… Last Saturday I have found out that my “available” person had some heart ailment… I felt bad about it but tonight, I felt worse when I knew coming from him that there was a hole in his heart, literally his heart was broken and to add up to it I also found out that he of all guys was entering the seminary…

What are the chances of that right?!? But when it rains it does really pour… I’ve been off the dating scene for four consecutive years because of a cliché and now that I’ve finally moved on here I come stumbling across a guy far worse than my past love… I may have been the luckiest girl on all aspects of life but I have never been lucky when it comes to this.. Oh tough luck, you can’t really do have everything…

Anyway enough again of my excessive blabbing and let me get to the point. Well here’s my dilemma and I hope some of my readers or at least my only reader can ponder on it… This blog is simply because I’m bothered between love and faith, between selfishness and selflessness… You see I’m torn between letting myself fall in love completely, releasing all my inhibitions and from letting myself fully grasp the concept of giving up the person you love most to pave way for his true calling… (well on my case I don’t have a say on his decisions but if I wouldn’t choose to recognize one I’ll end up being trap in this situation for a longer time, so basically it is all about me. So if you my “available” person is reading this, don’t worry this is all on me and no one’s blaming you for anything) Well anyway going back to my drama, to make things harder my guilt and conscience are trying to wake up me up telling me that I should’ve not held him back from serving God especially this times when there is scarcity among priests and nuns…

I have been pondering on this all night and yet conclusions on this aren’t made yet. It’s painstaking and it’s slowly torturing and driving me crazy. A strong part of me wants to be selfish, to just keep on loving him without thinking any consequences. Consequences that will eventually hit me hard and maybe bump him a little to… But the other half of me is crying out to just simply set myself and him free, give him to God and let him be, not only for everyone’s good but for my faith itself…

I guess it will take me another flood of tears and another long trip to a very far country before I’ll find again a solution or probably an end to this peculiar situation, as of now I hope anyone who could probably reach my blog could help me… Help me to be enlightened and be guided to cross this bridge before anything gets to anywhere…