And So I’m Not a Fan of Christmas

Call me “The Grinch” or whatever but for the past years I’ve regarded Christmas as one of my plain, ordinary, very dull days…Yeah I know everyone’s gushing all about the whole Christmas spirit crap and it’s so pessimistic of me to not join in but you can’t blame me… Christmas for the past years for me hasn’t been that much of a treat…

Nothing against the whole birth of Jesus Christ and all(I’m sooooo not an atheist…), it’s just that I am probably seeing things in another perspective… Since the Christmas of 2003 I hadn’t felt the pure joy given by the true essence of Christmas and I think 5 years after, everything still is pretty much the same… Out of town trips and even out of the country trips never did fill the emptiness brought about that one sad Christmas of 2003...

It’s not that important for you guys to know what really transpired on that Christmas, what’s important is that you guys be able to relate or ponder on what I have to say as I move on through this blog… You see, as every Christmas moves pass me the soul of its integrity gradually diminishes in me because as I get older I see all the fallacies that surrounds the whole Yuletide Season…

C’mon… Just look at how people suddenly changes and makes this season as a publicity event??? You’d see politicians “sharing” what they have in front of the media, then later hear them saying “I hope you won‘t forget my name on the 2010 elections”… You’d see different showbiz people doing charity stuff in front of camera then afterwards plugging their upcoming show… You’d see your snobbish boss suddenly giving you a Christmas gift/bonus in front of all your superiors and complementing you for a job well done then in the end, gives you another ton of work for the holidays… You’d hear nothing but the receiving of extravagant gifts or some luxurious trip everyone are going to but you’d never hear the sympathy nor see the compassion for the lonely, the poor, the lost and the needy… What a Christmas huh??? And there’s more…

Theft Crimes are higher this time of year… Filipinos still practice the extravagant Noche Buena despite the fact that they won’t be eating for the next 3 months or so… There are more people in malls and nightclubs than in the church… Collection for the exchange gifts are higher than the collection in church… Gifts are appreciated and values are neglected… Families celebrate/eat together but doesn’t bother to really talk to each other… Superficial happiness is given more emphasis than the genuine happiness…

Now tell me??? Who wouldn’t be a Scrooge on Christmas when these things are blatantly occurring in front of you and no one seems to care… No one seems to stop in this fast paced world and share whatever they can give wholeheartedly… Who would be all psyched with the holidays when there are more than a hundred reasons not to be??? Who would be all sissy to the feel Christmas when realities are nagging everyone??? It may not be my problem or your problem but in a dog-eat-dog world without simple acts of concern towards others nor simple gestures of love and care, all of us will always eventually end up with intermediate or proximate endings but never the have our own versions of ultimate endings…

So to everyone who would read this blog… A Merry Christmas to you… Despite of the obvious shit that’s happening around us may you have the sense of fulfillment that every Christmas is suppose to bring and may my sarcasm not affect the joyful way you perceive the Yuletide Season…

It hurts just to know you're alive

After some Jurassic years here I go again, writing another blog about love… It feels crappy for me that it’s obvious that I’ve become one heck of a hopeless romantic but what can I do… this is what exactly I’m most bothered with, especially with my almost insanely perfect life…

Tonight(Nov. 17, 2008... Monday) was one of those nights where something so ordinary, something that was almost a routine to me turned out to be so special… Tonight I had another night out with my “available” person (*available-meaning I am single but so not available because of him) Recent events that have happened in my life made me discover new things, certain things that made me looked at love and faith in a new perspective…

Note: Before I continue on, if you my Mr. Available, have happened to come across with my blogs (which is in one in a million odds of course) don’t be so shocked that it was you. You have been the most perfect guy in this world in my eyes and it would never ever change… As fragile as you are you are my superman, Spiderman, batman and whoever superhero that I could’ve think off… You have been such an inspiration… I Love You more than Helga loves Arnold or more than Ron loves Kim…

So let me continue… Last Saturday I have found out that my “available” person had some heart ailment… I felt bad about it but tonight, I felt worse when I knew coming from him that there was a hole in his heart, literally his heart was broken and to add up to it I also found out that he of all guys was entering the seminary…

What are the chances of that right?!? But when it rains it does really pour… I’ve been off the dating scene for four consecutive years because of a cliché and now that I’ve finally moved on here I come stumbling across a guy far worse than my past love… I may have been the luckiest girl on all aspects of life but I have never been lucky when it comes to this.. Oh tough luck, you can’t really do have everything…

Anyway enough again of my excessive blabbing and let me get to the point. Well here’s my dilemma and I hope some of my readers or at least my only reader can ponder on it… This blog is simply because I’m bothered between love and faith, between selfishness and selflessness… You see I’m torn between letting myself fall in love completely, releasing all my inhibitions and from letting myself fully grasp the concept of giving up the person you love most to pave way for his true calling… (well on my case I don’t have a say on his decisions but if I wouldn’t choose to recognize one I’ll end up being trap in this situation for a longer time, so basically it is all about me. So if you my “available” person is reading this, don’t worry this is all on me and no one’s blaming you for anything) Well anyway going back to my drama, to make things harder my guilt and conscience are trying to wake up me up telling me that I should’ve not held him back from serving God especially this times when there is scarcity among priests and nuns…

I have been pondering on this all night and yet conclusions on this aren’t made yet. It’s painstaking and it’s slowly torturing and driving me crazy. A strong part of me wants to be selfish, to just keep on loving him without thinking any consequences. Consequences that will eventually hit me hard and maybe bump him a little to… But the other half of me is crying out to just simply set myself and him free, give him to God and let him be, not only for everyone’s good but for my faith itself…

I guess it will take me another flood of tears and another long trip to a very far country before I’ll find again a solution or probably an end to this peculiar situation, as of now I hope anyone who could probably reach my blog could help me… Help me to be enlightened and be guided to cross this bridge before anything gets to anywhere…

Unrequited Love: EUPHORIC YET DESPAIRING

I probably am not the only one who have experienced unrequited love. Many of us who lives in the real world may have come across with this situation and we all know this is the most insane kind of love there is.

There are probably a hundred types/kinds of love in this world. There is the infatuated love, fatuous love, companionate love, consummate love, empty love, romantic love, etc. but from all those the hardest I think is unrequited love.

It’s a kind of love that is one sided. The person being loved may or may not even know that someone who’s fallen for them. It is a universal feeling shared by all. As said in wikipedia.com (AGAIN, well I should probably do some research when I want to talk about something right?) it creates an awkward situation where the admirer can’t express their feelings and usually it occurs between friends and acquaintances.

On my opinion, as I am experiencing it right now, unrequited love has two sides… the euphoric side and the despairing side… Euphoric in the sense that it brings sheer bliss, pure joy, intense happiness whenever you mull over your “adored one” (they use this term in the site “ physics.ohio-state.edu ). It brings you ecstasy whenever your together or whenever you see him. It gives you enough thrill and adrenaline because of the secrecy and adventures of enigma yet it is despairing. Despairing because from time to time you get a kick in the ass from reality that what your feeling and what your doing is utterly purposeless and unnoticeable by the one you love until you say it. Despairing because you get drowned with emotions and you can’t even swim through nor ask for help.

It’s crazy how we can easily get tangled up with this bungled mess.
It’s funny also that we even know we have a choice but despite that fact we pursue this silly little feelings and in the latter part were caught holding the losing end.
It’s stupid because we try to reject and deny the feeling yet eventually we give in to it.
It’s absurd that we negate and laugh the overwhelming emotions off yet at the end of the day we ponder on every piece of it.

I see it like an everyday attempt of suicide by an emo, a minute by minute wrist cutting of a masochist. The drugs of an addict, the misdemeanor of a psychotic criminal. It’s like made to compliment both pain and happiness. Without one it can never be called unrequited love. It’s a common ground for all the elements of emotions. All can play in it but unlike real games no one wins and not one is spared from its complexities.

One can never fully understand unrequited love until truly felt. It’s consequences may be a million. It may destroy friendships and may send out wrong interpretations but if recognized it may build new foundations to brighter horizons. The nobility encompassed in unrequited love, it’s pureness and sincerity makes it more magical thus almost comparing it to unconditional love where sacrifice is always present.

To those who are stuck in these situation, just like me, let us not lose hope. Let us not be hampered by this love’s complicated facet. It may be too bad for us yet still it is good for us. The things we’ve managed to cross, the lessons we’ve learned are enough to gear us into moving on. We might get hurt and be a loser in the end but at least we weren’t like those cowards who never gave love a chance and who never gave themselves a chance.

celibacy.. celibacy.. celibacy..

Celibacy as defined in wikipedia.com refers to the lack of participation in sexual intercourse. A vow of celibacy is a promise not to have sex and not to enter into marriage. Sometimes the word is also defined as the state of being unmarried.

In my age and in our generation, it fascinates me that still a few people on our bracket practices this or so they say… Celibacy is a word that is inherently deep… its idea and everything that contributes to it has its certain vagueness that one can’t easily conceptualize… the scope, the limitations gives rise to dozens of questions on my mind…

A friend of mine, whom I think might have fallen for a completely insane guy who vows to this, made me think of how this “oath” may affect the pretty picture waiting for the both of them… Well this blog might’ve started with celibacy but it doesn’t mean that it will be all about it…before I continue on with my blabbing on celibacy let me first tell you a simple story about a couple(or not, they confuse me…) who, for years, have probably waited on each other and finally almost got there until this word CELIBACY existed…

The story starts way back in high school…
Well there was an emo sort of ghetto girl friend of mine who practically lives insanely and of total opposite of one of my guy friends who was a jock and who was somewhat nerdy. Both basically lives in a world contradictory to each other. The girl was silent but deadly, she’s often unseen and unnoticed because of her meekness then she’ll surprise you with her bad ass attitude while on the other hand the boy was extremely popular, he’s the type of guy you’d see most in the school newspaper for extra curricular activities. For the first two years of our high school life the two almost didn’t cross each other’s path except for school affairs such as batch meetings, etc. They never really had conversations nor any connections as a matter of fact until our junior year. I didn’t know how it started but one day, the two major opposites found a common ground and clicked. At first, the two had usual casual talks then gradually they became more comfortable with each other. Well for quite sometime, as I see it, the two were inseparable. Probably not in the eyes of others because both stole moments together. Well high school was sort of judgmental, privacy was not an option and wave effects are bound to happen if the two had made something official then, so I guess they chose(unknowingly) to keep it mutual. So it continued in our senior year, still no official things, only mutual feelings. Sweet hugs, intimate talks, hidden tied hands everything was all butterflies for them but it wasn’t always like that, probably due to the constant changes the feelings withered and they grew out of each other by the end of the senior year. They remained friends until after graduation, both engaged to new relationships and both found themselves far apart up until recently. A certain occasion made it possible for the two to reunite and catch up with each other once again. It was an impeccable night, the setting was just right as well as the timing so both of them reminisced and rekindled their mutual thing but this time there was an addition to it. They weren’t scared anymore, the peer pressure was gone, they were both mature and ready. All was going well, the girl got swept off her feet and the boy was seemingly spell bound by the girl once more, but the night has to end and the boy has to leave. Promises were made and again secrets were kept and all was sealed with a unforgettable kiss. As days passed by(until now) the two kept in touch and became mutually attached once more, nothing official again but they kept the communication. (Sorry but I guess it isn’t the end of their love story so there’s no tragic ending nor happily ever after yet.)

In one of their conversations (as related by my girl friend and also as I remembered my guy friend swearing on) celibacy was brought up. So it is here where I continue on with my jabber about celibacy. Well to cut the story on their conversation short the boy pretty much vowed on celibacy and this was hindering the prosperous continuity of their relationship.

Well maybe you’d think that this is all about the sex, NO. Sex is just something superficial in one‘s relationship, what is hindering them is that the boy thinks that part of celibacy is abstaining himself from falling seriously in love which I think is so much bogus. Celibacy, on my opinion, is a personal choice which should be respected by all but this should not keep one from giving love a shot. Why hold your feelings back? Sexual tension will always be there but it can always be controlled. Why'd he think platonic love was created???? oh well..

Love is one of the most beautiful things in this world and one who has it or feels it should not suppress it because one may grasp it now with both hands but without setting it free its as good as crushed.

Amusing

Death is always something that never fails to amaze me...

It comes knocking on your door at the oddest moment or it even sometimes welcomes you to this world or giving you a lifetime of excruciating countdowns… For the very sickly they’re tagged with it and for “victims” they’re surprised by it…

They say that when you die, it just means your duties were fulfilled… Your purpose in life was already served… You’ve basically done your part as a mortal so you’re free to go…

It’s often said that it’s the end of your physical life and the beginning of your journey towards God in a higher level… It’s also a the end of all your agony and struggles and a new beginning for the family and friends you’ve left behind… but what if both no one still was ready for it? What if you were still on the go, cherishing your oh sweet little perfect life?

Recently (actually today/Oct. 17, 08), I have been caught off guard by a sad news of my mom’s coworker about a schoolmate of mine… she was one of those schoolmates whom I used to hate because of believing rumors about me and my friend but her sudden unjust death made me feel otherwise…

Anger and hate left me and all I felt was sheer pity… pity for her, for her family and for her friends… Her undeserved death was for no one to be experienced… Even the evilest criminal deserves a better death…

I never thought how life can be taken so hastily that even a blink of an eye is way slower…
I never thought that a person whom I just saw a day ago can pass away in such a gruesome way…
I never thought that people who were created by God and in the liking of him can do such a crime…

Yes, when death knocks on your door you shall always eventually let it in and you shall always face your demise… but why can’t it be that you be the judge? Why should one be allowed to take your life away from you? Why can’t you have the choice?

It’s unfair but come to think of it maybe it’s just God’s way of unfolding the realities of this world to others who are still living… It’s His way of showing those who are trying to play “GOD” in this world that in the end, it’s his say and no one can hold him back… That his angel of death shall always serve its purpose no matter how, when or where…


* to my schoolmate… may your rest in peace and be cradled with God’s love..

oh what the heck..

Questions have been bothering my mind recently…


How can someone fall in love with someone who is way older than you, such an opposite of you and totally unreachable?


I must be crazy for having myself fall into this very messed up situation but there’s this spot of me that’s telling me that all shall be worth it in the end..
I have lived an almost perfect life but this aspect of my being has always been the hindrance of the maximum use of my potentials…


I don’t know why I always end up loving the wrong guy at the wrong time…
I don’t know why my heart kept going to my sleeves even if I’m pushing it to the insides of my biological being…
I don’t know why my mind kept on thinking of the same person even if I’m doing everything to distract it’s attention…
I don’t know why I live and breathe for you even if I know that you don’t even know a single thing about this silly little feeling…


Why is it so easy for me to like you?
Why is it so easy for me to forget all the consequences I’m about to face because of you?
Why is it so easy for me to give up everything I have just for you?
And why is it so easy for me to see you as perfect even though you have a gazillion flaws?


I might be on the edge of falling head over heels again…
I might be bound to get a thousand stabs in my heart again…
I might be hooked on you like a child with his Christmas candy cane…
I might be sorry as hell in the end..


BUT WHAT THE HECK… I THINK I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOU…

my voice

at last a sanctuary where i can fully express myself...

no pretensions, no holding back...

I am me and cheers to my own identity...

it's high time to voice out my thoughts, my feelings and my perception of life...

welcome to my little rockstar life..^_^